Why am I a bottom feeder?
By Adam Crawford
**Disclaimer – this might be an emotional read (on my end).**
Some days I feel as though I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel for the energy to be the man I’m supposed to be. Some days I wake up and feel great, only to be derailed by something trivial.
I’m fairly confident the trivial incident is not the root cause, I’m sure it’s something else that’s bothering me most of the time. Or the frustration that comes along with the trivial incident is the output of buildup from the previous day. I think this is something we all experience. I just wonder why I feel like a bottom feeder searching for the gumption to be the husband and father my family deserves.
The days where you have to scrape along the bottom to find such energy seem as they drain the life out of you. They seem as if you’re struggling just to make it to the next second, the next minute, and finally, reach the end of the day. Hoping desperately, you don’t do something you shouldn’t. Hoping that you don’t say something you don’t mean in the midst of stress and frustration.
It seems impossible to control the frustration. One thing leads to another, and then all of a sudden you find yourself in this downward spiral of anger and bewilderment for why you’re angry.
What follows, at least for me, is the guilt. I become guilty that I’m angry for no reason. That I’m frustrated, openly frustrated, and wondering how I can fix it. I’m wondering how I can climb out of this spiral that’s pulling me further and further down. Then I crash. I become so tired of being frustrated, my body is exhausted, and I sit down on the couch.
I sit down on the couch and wonder if tomorrow will be better. I wonder if there’s something I can do to make it better before I go to sleep.
Then I pray.
I pray that God will give me the strength to handle the stressors of my life. To have the wisdom to alleviate the stressors whenever possible. And to have the ability to understand my frustrations and bring them to Him instead of letting them bottle up inside.
While I do this consistently, I still find that there are days it doesn’t work. Of course this is not God’s fault, it’s my fault. It’s my fault for not turning to God before I get frustrated.
I can’t expect God to just simply fix my problems, He has already given me the ability to fix my problems, I just either refuse or forget to use them.
God can fix things in an instant, but as we all know He rarely does. Because if He just fixes our problems then we’re likely going to just find ourselves back in the same situation. If He just leans down and whispers our problems away, then we don’t learn how or why we had the problems in the first place. We are his children. If we were to just follow our children around and fix every problem they have for the rest of their lives, then we aren’t teaching them anything. That’s not to say we shouldn’t help them, of course we should. But we must teach and mentor them along the way.
This is how God father’s us.
We have to remember that He will never give us anything we can’t handle. It’s hard to keep this in mind when we’re in the middle of something that makes us feel like a bottom feeder. But God will never, ever, provide us with a problem set we can’t figure out. It may just take time, or discipline, or practice.
God doesn’t work miracles on our timeline. He works them on His.
If you’re feeling like a bottom feeder today, take a break, relax, and pray. God will take care of you, you just have to let him.