Definition of Shame Unforgettable Shame and Self perception

Kaufman (1993a, pp.5-6) defines shame as wound within inner self which is deeply disturbing to the self, causing the sickness within the self and the soul which always leads to the feelings of inferiority. This view has been supported in the work of Evans (1994, p.103) who states, with shame there is a sense of inferiority in which the other is perceived as more powerful and capable of inflict injury on the self, usually via scorn, contempt, or humiliation. Jane Middelton-Moz (1990, p.xii) and Holly Vanscoy (2006) both have written that the hurt emotion feeling arise from the consciousness of something embarrassment, humiliation, dishonourable, unacceptable, ludicrous etc done by oneself or another. In my opinion, the individual who faced shame always perceives him or herself as flawed, unwanted, neglected, surplus, or fundamentally broken.Nearly every human being experience shame at some point in his or her life. Most of shame stories in their lives become the unforgettable one. The unforgettable rather haunting shame memory follows people throughout their lives. Shame incident might have happened a long time ago, but memory remains even after years. Sometimes the individual becomes very successful in the country or in the community, but the memory of unforgettable shame keeps clinging to even the developed and successful self. During the research, there were numerous instances when I found a general agreement of psychologists and therapist about the idea that adult personality is greatly influenced by early childhood experiences. Those who experienced shame during early childhood time period could never let their memory of the incident go forever. It remains and leaves extremely powerful impact on adult self perception. For understanding shame in childhood and its manifestation in adulthood in the form of low self-esteem, we need to understand the concept of ‘self’ itself. Self is fundamental part of Carl Rogers’s personality theory. He refers to it as, the organized, consistent set of perceptions and beliefs about oneself.Self is a humanistic term that describes us as person. It is not only influenced by a person’s experiences throughout life but also the interpretation of these experiences. Major factors that influence human self concept are: childhood experiences and evaluation by others (cited in McLeod, 2007). Bradshaw’s idea of a toxic shame seems to be intriguing in this regard. He (1990, p. 47) wrote it as the feeling of being flawed and diminished and never measuring up. The strong inner emotions and feelings of being insufficient, neglected, inadequate, defective and unwanted keep haunting the individual. Bradshaw (1990, p. 47) further attributes the toxic shame as a nucleus of the wounded child around which he or she keeps revolving. For instance, the individual, who faced traumatic or hurtful experience during their childhood which they could not forget all the way through their life are called wounded child and prone to shame. According to Adler, a neglected child has never known love and cooperation in the home. therefore, he finds it very difficult to develop these abilities as an adult. They do not know how to gain affection and respect from other people. As adults usually they are cold and hard (Frager, R. Fadiman, J., 1998. p. 111-112). The shamed self is considered to be unable to cope with the difficult situation. As an object of scorn, humiliation,